- I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga
party dressed as a goat
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms -
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation
- Jimmy Carr -
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance -
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon -
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance -
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly -
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance -
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly -
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'Sh1t, I wasn't listening ... was it self-raising?'
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms -
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron -
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance -
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time
-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms -
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber'
- Steven Alan Green at C34 -
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance -
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly
Tags:EdinburghFestival
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