Some
people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Did
you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I thought "Implants?"
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Women
will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay-checks.
Amused
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