Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Bob Hope's Funny Lines

June 26A photo June26A_zpsbc9549e8.jpg
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  • A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

  • A sense of humour is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

  • Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

  • I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

  • I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

  • I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

  • I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

  • I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

  • I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
    I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

  • I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

  • If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

  • If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

  • If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

  • Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  • People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

  • The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

  • The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

  • The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

  • They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

  • When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

  • When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

  • You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  • You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
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