- (About his early boxing days) Some fighters are carried back to their dressing rooms. I'm the only one who had to be carried both ways.
- (Asked shortly before a tour to Vietnam if he was worth 50 million dollars) If I had $50 million, I wouldn't go to Vietnam; I'd send for it.
- Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax. He just calls the government and says, 'How much do you boys need?'
- (Commenting on why he cut his cruise vacation short) Fish don't applaud.
- Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy says the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days ... whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.
- Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
- I don't bother to look for parking space any more. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
- I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king.
- I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
- I returned to Cleveland for a really big homecoming. I remember it well. How they welcomed me ... flags waving, bands playing, big parades and everything. Yes sir! Lucky for me I arrived on Flag Day.
- It was so cold at Thule, that one G.I. fell out of bed and broke his pyjamas.
- My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
- My mother thought the doctor had left the stork and taken the baby.
- My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
- (On receiving his knighthood) Seventy years of ad lib material and I am speechless.
- Television. That's where movies go when they die.
- There are 86 golf courses in Palm Springs, and Jerry Ford never knows which one he's going to play until his second shot.
- They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
- This is Bob Football Hope telling you always to use Pepsodent because it's better to set out for a nice run than to run out for a nice set.
- (To President Kennedy when he was being presented with a gold medal for 'services to his country'. ) I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
- Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'
- Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.
Current Mood: 
Amused
Amused
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