Definitions And Explanations

• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.


• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.


• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...


• Consciousness - the time between naps.


• Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.


• Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.


• Justice - a decision in your favour.


• Paradox - two physicians.


• Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.


• Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.


• Alimony - the cost of loving.


• Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.


• Oboe: An ill woodwind that no-one blows good.


• Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.


• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.


• A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.


• A born loser: Somebody who calls the telephone number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall -- and his wife answers.

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