Thursday, 31 May 2012

31st May 2012 Parrot, Anniversary, Funeral

May 31A
** Mama's Parrot **
Police called out to investigate reports of a young child left home alone found a talking parrot instead. Police were called to the house in Koblenz, Germany, by an elderly lady who said she could hear a child next door constantly screaming, "Mama, Mama". The woman felt the child must have been left home alone as nobody was answering the cries. 


When officers broke into the house they found the cries were coming from a 25-year-old talking parrot.

** Happy Anniversary! **
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 


"No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

** Congratulations ** - Stolen from Mick
A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace” 


The owner was quite upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, 


“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 


“Congratulations on you new location.”

Prev: 31st May 2012 Life's Choices ...

31st May 2012 Life's Choices ...

May 31

Many of us must have at one time or another imagined what our life would have been like, had we chosen a different direction this or that way, when we first set out on our life's journey as an adult, instead of the one we had taken.

I believe this doesn't just happen to people who are not happy or content with their spouse, partner, job, career, or how life had generally turned out. Those who are blessed with a satisfactory life too think about it I am sure, as a way to reconfirm a decision well made, by wisdom, impulse or based on calculated risk. Or the ones who had at times thought of making a major life change but had decided , for better or worse, not to, for which they now have proven reason to congratulate themselves for their own foresight and decisiveness.

What about all those twist and turns, crossed roads, fork junctions, temptations and disastrous traps dotted along the path of life? Each and everyone of them need our decisions to follow or avoid. Have we made the right choices? The answers, alas, take time to show. Years or even a whole life time. When they do, you laugh, or cry, but in either case your destiny is set.

Until you go ahead, and make yet another choice. There are always choices even though they might not be obvious.

Prev: 30th May 2012 Famous Historic Hoaxes

31st May 2012 Marker Art Murals

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

30th May 2012 Famous Historic Hoaxes

May 30B
** Piltdown Man
Perhaps the most famous hoax was Piltdown man. In 1912, at a time when Darwin's evolutionary theory was new, and people were looking for missing links between humans and apes, someone planted two fake skulls which came to be known as Piltdown Man.

The part medieval man, part Orang-utan fossil was found, in the very English village of Piltdown in Sussex. Piltdown man's scientific name, Eoanthropus dawsoni, reflected its finder's name Dawson. To get a flavour of those times, the British Empire was still riding high, and Germany had their Heidelberg man fossil, Britain was desperate for a more important 'missing link' between man and monkey.

For 40 years Piltdown man was literally put on a pedestal and worshipped but not rigorously examined. The hoax lead a charmed life until it was unmasked in 1953. Microscopic examination, X-rays, or carbon dating would have exposed the fraud the impostor much earlier.

Urban myth has it that the fraud was only exposed when a cheeky first year student said to the Professor, 'That skull looks just like an ape's jawbone in a human skull'. When the Professor said, 'Don't be so silly', the pupil said, 'Look, you can even see where someone has filed down the molars to make them fit the jaw'. The student was of course quite correct.

** Who did it?
What makes the Piltdown fraud so interesting is that the hoaxer was never exposed, certainly during their life time. Much like horses at the nearby Plumpton race track, a whole field of suspects has been assembled for the hoax of the 20th century. The most exotically named candidate is Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a friend of Dawson and later a Jesuit priest. One of the outsiders in the betting is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Homes, he came into the frame because he lived in Sussex.

Others runners, who have their backers, are Dawson's friend Smith Woodward, also Sir Grafton Elliot Smith. Lately, there has been speculation that Martin Hinton was the forger as similar material was found in his loft.

My favourite candidate to be the hoaxer is Dawson whose archaeological dig discovered the fossil. Dawson was an antiquarian, therefore had access to medieval skeleton's from which to build the two fraudulent skulls known as Piltdown I and Piltdown II. In an attempt to make the skull rust as if with age, someone had cooked it in an iron solution. Dawson had the knowledge of chemistry needed to age the unusually thick skull so that it looked like a fossil.

For me the main reason for singling out Dawson, is that he had other skeletons in his cupboard. Investigation shows that Dawson had dodgy form as the faker of other fossils, old letters indicate that the man seemed obsessed with the 'big find'. Join me and have a bet that the Piltdown man hoax was Dawson's crowning glory.

Prev: 30th May 2012 Drinks & Drunks 2

30th May 2012 Drinks & & Drunks 2

May 30A
** Raffle Winner ~
'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?' asked the parish priest.

'Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.'

'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don't drink.'

'Dat's what I mean, Father...'

** Driving Test ~
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!

** Drinking Lesson ~
Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.
'All right, son', asked Will, 'what does that show you?'

'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'
Prev: 30th May 2012 Dogs, Cats, And Me

30th May 2012 Dogs, Cats, And Me

May 30
** Mutt Adopts Moggies ~
A female dog is nursing a litter of kittens which were orphaned when their mother died. Their owner, Cai, of Jiangmen, China said he has been raising cats and dogs together for more than 10 years, and they all got along together well, however, this was the first time he had ever seen kittens being nursed by a dog.



The four kittens seemed happy and content with their new mother's milk, while the dog was tending to its adopted family with love and care. 'Several days ago, the kittens' mother died after eating a poisoned rat, leaving behind a litter of kittens without a source of milk,' Cai volunteered. 'The kittens' cries may have stirred the dog's maternal nature, since it too had recently given birth. It volunteered to take over and feed the kittens Of its old friend.'

The dog's own puppies had been taken away by one of its grown-up offspring. Cai mused, 'That's perhaps another reason why the dog adopted the kittens. She lost all of her own children.'

** Sharing Offsprings ~
A dog and a cat which have recently given birth in China are taking it in turns to look after the "kids" for each other. Both animals are owned by Gao Shunhong, of Fushun, Liaoning province, China, who adopted the dog two years ago and the cat one year ago.

'They get along together incredibly well for a cat and dog,' he told the Fushun Daily newspaper. Two weeks ago, the cat gave birth to a litter of two kittens, and three days later, the dog produced a litter of six puppies. 'Both mothers put their cubs together in the same box, and rotate in nursing them,' said Gao. 'When the dog is out, the cat will lie down and nurse the kittens and puppies, and when the dog came back, the cat would go out, leaving the nursing job to the dog. If both mothers are in, the cubs can get quite mixed up, with the cat nursing the puppies, and the dog nursing the kittens. It's really odd - but a great picture of harmony.'

** Fred, March, Blackie, Rika and Me ~
Years ago I had an Afghan hound I named Rika (tall and graceful breed of hound with a long silky coat. I was given it to keep after I posed with the dog for a fashion magazine). I already had 3 kittens called Fred (street cat I saved) March (born in March, a Siamese ) Hai Zhai which means Little Blackie in Chinese (the dumbest but the cutest, with very long, curly and fluffy fur); but somehow this big and haughty (by nature) dog had taken to the helpless babies almost immediately and they, the kittens, vis-versa.

Each morning, I would wake up to find the 3 kittens snugly curled up in a neat row along the Rika's soft and warm tummy fast asleep. Rika, who used to follow me everywhere the minute I was out of bed (including into the bathroom!) but now she would just be wagging her tail gently without even getting up, in case she woke up the kittens!!


Sometimes I would be surprised to find there were only 2 kittens being circled by Mama's loving & protective paws, then discovered one of them had draped itself on the silky long furs on Rika's neck! When time permitted, I would just sit and watch them for hours, sharing the love.
Rika
Prev: 29th May 2012 BBC & The Gurardian - Tabloids Now?

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

29th May 2012 BBC & The Guardian - Tabloids Now/

Photobucket
I read a brief report published on one of the prestigious British Papers, The Guardian, disparaging the Spanish singer Pastora Soler, on her appearance in the Eurovision Festival of song contest last weekend:
 
'She has the face of a constipation sufferer and, probably due to the economic crisis, wearing what must be the 3rd best tablecloth of her mother.' So commented The Guardian.


The usually dignified BBC says: 'She looked rather emotional, must be because she has an account in Bankia.' (Bankia is the bank in Spain on the point of total bankruptcy recently, a huge and ongoing scandal affecting a lot of businesses and savers.) 
 

Still, it seems to me that these media's foremost objective is to report news, not to judge, jeer or mock, had completely degraded their profession and put themselves in the category of 3rd rate Tabloids, centring the importance on scandals and sensationalism for cheat frills. Even get down to as low as criticizing the singer's appearance and her dress without any opinion on her singing. What's that got to do with her ability to sing? 


As to BBC, hitting below the belt to a country's unfortunate crisis is despicable, putting their own reputation at stake.
 
I don't expect anyone to agree with me, nor would I apologize for what I said here.
 

Prev: 29th May 2012 Drinks & Drunks

29th May 2012 Drinks & Drunks

May 29A
Something for you tell in a Bar or Pub ~


1. You'll be delighted to know, that alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean - against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.

2. Perhaps the biggest drunk was the fellow who saw the billboard that read, "Drink Canada Dry." He went there and tried to do it.

3. A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, 'I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell.' The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, 'Oh no, I'm on the wrong bus, I wanted to go to Baltimore.'

4. Remember, an alcoholic and a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

5. Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much sense to me, drinking is one of the easiest things in the world to do.

6. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

7. A drunk is brought in front of the judge.

The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'
The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.'

8. Richard comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming home half drunk?' 


Richard replies, slurring, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.'

9. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

10. An amnesiac walks into an inn and asks the barman, 'Do I come here often?'


Prev: 29th May 2012 Mr. Chatty & My Brother

29th May 2012 Mr. Chatty & My Brother

May 29
Have you amongst your friends or acquaintances a Mr. or Mrs Chatter Box? You know, the person who is always happy or at least seemingly so, very friendly, almost overly so? On top of those very affable qualities, he/she can always talk for at least 5 minutes or longer, without having to stop to take a breath? Always has a lot to tell you, inform you, advice you, relate or explain to you & ask you a whole string of questions all in one long breath?

I do, have such a friend I mean. More of an acquaintance, in my book anyway. It's a HE so I'll call him Mr. Chatty here. 

No sooner had I walked into my daily haunt this morning, & before I had found a table to sit down, Mr. Chatty spotted me, sprung up from his chair & rushed over planting a sloppy kiss on both my cheeks. I was just about to say Hello but ...

" Hey, fancy seeing you here ( He has always known I am in this same cafe each morning )! How are you? Oh, no need to tell me (okay, I won't), you look just gorgeous (his standard phrase to every woman)! So you had been away to UK, huh? How was it? In Croydon again were you? Was it Croydon? Were you caught there by the non-stop rain? Wasn't that awful? How long were you there? Bet you were mighty glad getting back here in the sun, he? But of course you were! Would you like to ..."

I had stopped listening somewhere round the bit about Croydon, & all along I was never given the chance to say a word or answer any of the questions, except " Ah, Yes, Really? Umm ... " every now & then. Of course answers were not necessary nor were they even expected for sure. In any case, he had confirmed certain facts all by himself & had already answered the rest!

For courtesy sake, I waited until he involuntarily needed to stop to take his first breath & said : " Hey, new shirt. Lovely", with the hope that he might stop asking me more questions. The tactic worked but then he immediately launched into a long story of the complex procedures of choosing it, buying it, when, how, why, what for ...

I was saved by the arrival of his friend who was apparently 15 minutes late (I hated him for tha ) coming to join him. I couldn't wait to make my escape fast enough, & moved myself as far away from their table as I could. He called after me:

" Give my regards to your brother! "
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket My brother?? I don't have a brother!!!

Prev: 28th May 2012 Lateral Thinking (2)

Monday, 28 May 2012

28th May 2012 Lateral Thinking (2)

May 28B
10) Manhole Covers ~

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees. 

Solution 
 
A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

11) The Deadly Party ~

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die? 

Solution 
 
The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch. 

You were warned to be on the look-out for these ice puzzles! 

12) The Deadly Dish ~

Two men went into a restaurant. They both ordered the same dish from the menu. After they tasted it, one of the men went outside the restaurant and shot himself. Why? 

Solution 
 
The dish that the two men ordered was albatross. They had been stranded many years earlier on a desert island. When the man tasted albatross he realized that he had never tasted it before. This meant that the meat he had been given on the island was not albatross as he had been told. He correctly deduced that he had eaten the flesh of his son who had died when they first reached the island. 

This has something in common with No. 9 above but is in my opinion even better. It is fiendishly difficult to figure out from a standing start. A beautiful aspect of this problem is the subtle fact that he shot himself because he did not recognise the taste of the dish!

13) The Realization ~

A man was walking downstairs in a building when he suddenly realized that his wife had just died. How? 

Solution

The man had visited his wife in hospital. She was on a life-support machine. As he was walking down the stairs all the lights went out. There had been a power cut and the emergency back-up systems had failed. He knew that she had died. 

14) The Blind Beggar ~

A blind beggar had a brother who died. What relation was the blind beggar to the brother who died? (Brother is not the answer). 

Solution

The blind beggar was the sister of her brother who died.
This puzzle is one of a type that depends on the listener making implicit assumptions about gender - in this case that a blind beggar is a man. Similar puzzles involve surgeons who refuse to operate on their sons etc.

This is probably the best of the class because it is very simply stated and yet which has the power to baffle those who have not heard it before. 

15) The Broken Match ~

A man is found dead in a field. He is clutching a broken match. What happened? 

Solution 
 
He and a number of other passengers were making a balloon trip in a desperate attempt to flee a country. The balloon had to lose weight to stop it from crashing. He drew the short match and had to jump.

16) The Music Stopped ~

The music stopped. She died. Explain. 

Solution

She was a circus tight-rope walker who walked blindfolded over a high wire. The band played as she crossed and when the music stopped it was the signal that she had reached the end of the walk and could safely alight. One day the conductor was taken ill and the stand-in conductor ended the piece of music too early. She stepped off to her death. 

17) Swimmer In The Forest ~

Deep in the forest was found the body of a man who was wearing only swimming trunks, snorkel and face mask. The nearest lake was 8 miles away and the sea was 100 miles away. How had he died? 

This is supposedly based on a true incident. Does this make it an urban legend? Many urban legends can be restated as lateral thinking puzzles. This is a very good one of this type. 

Solution
 
During a forest fire, a fire-fighting plane had scooped up some water from the lake to drop on the fire. The plane had accidentally picked up the unfortunate swimmer.

18) The Elder Twin ~

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come? 

Solution

At the time she went into labour, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or any time zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

This puzzle was submitted to Games Magazine's 'How Come' competition in 1992 by Judy Dean. It won. 

Prev: May 28 Lateral Thinking (1)

28th May 2012 Lateral Thinking (1)

May 28A
Lateral Thinking - Puzzling Questions For You To Answer ~
 
Here are a selection of very old stories which are ideal for a Christmas, birthday or social gathering. In this day and age such gatherings may be unusual, so you need a strong master of ceremonies. If you were to tell the tales yourself, you need to read the audience and judge just how much extra information to give them in order to maintain interest. If necessary work with a stooge in the audience who knows the answers but will ask questions to get the show going.

1) The Man In The Bar ~

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says ' Thank you' and walks out. 

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
 
Solution 
 
The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water. 

The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages. 

2) Death In A Field ~

A man is lying dead in a field. Next to him there is an unopened package. There is no other creature in the field. How did he die? 

Solution

The man had jumped from a plane but his parachute had failed to open. It is the unopened package. 

This is sometimes given with the following rather elegant clue - as he approached the centre of the field he knew he was going to die. This is another of the top classics which is right up there with ' The Man in the Bar' . If the solver is thinking along the wrong lines (i.e. in the two dimensions of the ground) then the lateral jump to the third dimension can be tough to make. 

3) Anthony & Cleopatra ~

Anthony and Cleopatra are lying dead on the floor of a villa in Egypt. Nearby is a broken bowl. There is no mark on either of their bodies and they were not poisoned. How did they die? 

Solution 

Anthony and Cleopatra were goldfish whose bowl was knocked over by a clumsy dog. 

This is one of a set of puzzles which deceive by using human names for animals. This is not a very satisfactory basis for a good puzzle but despite that, the puzzle has enduring popularity

4) The Coal, Carrot & Scarf ~

Five pieces of coal, a carrot and a scarf are lying on the lawn. Nobody put them on the lawn but there is a perfectly logical reason why they should be there. What is it? 

Solution 
 
They were used by children who made a snowman. The snow has now melted. 

Another change of state puzzle. After this you should be on the look-out for them!

5) Trouble With Sons ~

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins, and they were not adopted. How could this be so? 

Solution

They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.)
This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available? 

6) Push That Car ~

A man pushed his car. He stopped when he reached a hotel at which point he knew he was bankrupt. Why? 

Solution 
 
Monopoly

7) The Arm Of The Postal Service ~

One day a man received a parcel in the post. Carefully packed inside was a human arm. He examined it, repacked it and then sent it on to another man. The second man also carefully examined the arm before taking it to the woods and burying it. Why did they do this? 

This one probably has more variations than any other. A great one to puzzle out. It requires plenty of good questions.

Solution

The three men had been stranded on a desert island. Desperate for food, they had agreed to amputate their left arms in order to eat them. They swore an oath that each would have his left arm cut off. One of them was a doctor and he cut the arms off his two companions. They were then rescued. But his oath was still binding so he later had to have his arm amputated and sent to his colleagues. 

This is often told with a further twist whereby a doctor pays a tramp a large sum in order to amputate the tramp's arm which the doctor then sends to another man who inspects it etc. This variation can make for a long night of questioning!

8) Heaven ~

A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognised. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know? 

Solution

He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. 

This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments! 

9) Friday ~

A man rode into town on Friday. He stayed for three nights and then left on Friday. How come? 

A silly one - but it is surprisingly popular. 

Solution 
 
The man's horse was called Friday.
OK, so this is really a schoolboy riddle but people keep asking it!

Prev: 28th May 2012 Superstitions Of Friday The 13th ...

28th May 2012 Superstitions Of Friday The 13th

May 28
Most cultures have superstitions centred on the number thirteen. Let us start with a Greek word, which will impress, or irritate, your friends: Paraskevidekatriaphobia, meaning an irrational, even morbid, fear of Friday the 13th.

The Greeks also have word for fears associated with number 13 Triskaidekaphobia (triss-ka-deck-ah-phobia). Interestingly, the Greeks traditional rivals the Turks have virtually removed 13 from their vocabulary.

In case you have not noticed; the next time you visit one of those tall office blocks, see if they have a 13th Floor. In fact anytime you hail a lift, see if it has a button for the 13th Floor. Most likely they don't.

One superstition is that if 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year. One form of this legend dates back to the Norse god of mischief - Loki. The saga tells of Loki gate-crashing a party bringing the number of guests to 13. To cut a long saga short, Balder the good was killed. For this reason Norwegians believe that 13 at a dinner party is bad luck.

Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.

Warning: count your women because there are 13 witches in a coven.

How many loaves are there in a 'Baker's Dozen'? It is superstition that prevents this number be mentioned by name, in fact the extra loaf, presumably the runt of the litter, was baked as a special bribe for the devil not to spoil the batch of loaves.


Sportsmen are notoriously superstitious and many teams avoid using number 13 in their squads. Dan Marino broke most of the quarterback's records, he fearlessly wore number 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. However, some say his number was his undoing and is responsible for his epithet, 'The greatest quarterback never to win a Super Bowl'. Fate played it's part in Super Bowl XIX, where Dan Marino (13) was beaten by his nemesis Joe Montana who preferred number 16 on his back.

In the Bible, Luke's Gospel Chapter 22, tells us that there were 13 present at the Last Supper. There is evidence that this Last Supper was held on a Friday, and of course this is when Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ to the Romans.

Some people are so afraid that they refuse to get out of bed, or go to work on Friday 13th. A study in the BMJ (British Medical Journal) in 1993 looked into the relationship between driving and road accidents in the UK on two separate Fridays: the 6th and the 13th. This study was carried out over a period of years. They eventually concluded that, "Friday 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying at home is recommended."

Many people, believer or not, consciously or not, try to avoid any undertakings in connection with the number 13 in whatever category with the philosophy 'Just in case' or 'Better safe than sorry'

Prev: 27th May 2012 Strange Complaints To Travel Agents

Sunday, 27 May 2012

27th May 2012 Strange Complaints Made To Travel Agents

May 27
  • I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
  • It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.
  • On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
  • The beach was too sandy.
  • A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained that his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
  • We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros (3.50. $5 USD) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
  • No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
  • It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England; it only took the Americans three hours to get home.
  • The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
  • We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
  • It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
  • My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
  • I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment, and ours was significantly smaller.
  • There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.
  • We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.
  • A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
  • A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
** When you don't need a Visa
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

Prev: 26th May 2012 Observations On Retirement

Saturday, 26 May 2012

26th May 2012 Observations On Retirement

May 26
** A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
'How do you know what sex they were?'
'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

**The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.


** When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
** Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save

** It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.


** When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.

** Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.

** A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.

** There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!"


** A Confession ~

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Me: Isn't a priest supposed never to reveal anything at all he hears at the Confessional?


Prev: 25th May 2012 Study To Become A Prostitute??

Friday, 25 May 2012

25th May 2012 Study To Become A Prostitute??

May 25B
Newspapers are full of contact ads. daily, occupying more pages than the classified ads. about property renting or sales, jobs sought or offered, 2nd hand cars or dishwashers, or personal contacts. People are social creatures and life is a series of continuous contacts of one kind or another.

Nowadays, 'contact' appears in Ads might mean massages, the body contact. The real and professional masseurs or masseuses, the body contacts with clients are under medical  prescription.

Of course in abundance are the other kind which announces that the massage is done by Janet, a young and beautiful Russian blonde or Maria, the sexy Spanish brunette. It should be easily identified when a massage is efficient by the colour of the hair or the age or the nationality. More curious and most eye-catching is a brand new one advertised the last couple of days in a Spanish paper; the ad. says: 'Get to work, formation courses for professional prostitution'!!!
 
It's quite true that there are a lot of unemployment everywhere these days , and Spain is almost the worst affected. Many people try to 'recycle' themselves (as they say) to work in whatever field they could get into. This course costs 100 € and lasts a week. The themes set out seem to be quite serious: History of prostitution, valid legal registration, and economic analysis of this activity in Spain. With this preparation, the students can begin their actual practice, which consists of lessons of basic sexual postures, positions, Kamasutra techniques ... The organization also promises a sure work post. How can a desperate unemployed person with a family to feed bypasses the offer?

I can understand the scandalized reaction (for a start, if all fails, the organization has got 100 € from everyone way ahead of any positive or negative result). Soon there will be courses for economic corruption; for that naturally, there won't be any publicity. 

Prev: 25th May 2012 Cunning Brain

25th May 2012 Cunning Brain

May 25A
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
 

Prev: 25th May 2012 Green Pig & Yellow Turtle

25th May 012 Green Pigs & Yellow Turtle

May 25
The nick named green pigs in Catalunya, Spain, are also denominated as ecological pigs. Although they, like the rest of their kind, all end up as ham, sausages, roasted in the oven or in a stew, they do live quite a different life from those under intensive exploitation, because they can run free in spacious fields, in the sun shine, fresh air, eats ecologically certified and nutritious animal feed, and sleep in spacious installations, on clean straw topped floors, at lease 10 metres for mother and baby, and baby pigs must be fed mother's milk for at least 40 days, and all have regular health checks by vets. Even though this means the production yields less, it's compensated by a product with exceptional quality.

There are now 7 of such pig farms in Catalunya, Spain. What is a little confusing and somewhat funny is, that they are referred to as green pigs, like everything else ecological. Usually, in Spain, when 'green' is used as adjective, it's often associated with porn, like 'blue' is in the UK: blue film, book, thoughts, etc. A dirty old in Spain is 'green', not referring to The Hulk, but a a dirty old man with blue thoughts or behaviour.
 
Do you know why hats in China can be of any colour but never green? If you give a green hat to a Chinese man as a present, instead of getting 'Thanks' you most likely get a ferocious slap on your face, even a fist on your head; because it means you are telling him his wife is sleeping around with other man! This green significance has a fable, folk tale or myth behind it, but that's another story or Blog involving a yellow turtle ... if you remind me.

Prev: 24th May 2012 Today's Giggle

Thursday, 24 May 2012

24th May 2012 Today's Giggle

May 24A
** Window Dressing ~
 
Myra was going to the office party but needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'

'Certainly not, madam,' responded the salesgirl, 'You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.'

** Mirror Image ~
 
For their 1st anniversay, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift. Always short of money, and a little mean by nature, he thought long and hard about what that present might be'

Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams Department Store and in the cosmetics section, the salesgirl said to him, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing £75. ($150 USD)

'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan. The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50.
Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.'

Growing a bit annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the salesgirl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.

Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean,' he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'

So the salesgirl handed him a mirror.
Prev: 24th May 2012 Some Questions Without Answers

24th May 2012 Some Questions Without Answers

Photobucket
** If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
** If a book about failures sell well, is it a success?
** Hermits have no peer group pressure.
** Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
** Why in a country of free speech, there are 'phone bills?
** Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
** Why is it that kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
** Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
** If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
** Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
** Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
** What is the speed of dark?
** If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
** When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
** Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Prev: 23rd May 2012 A Load Of Blarney