Philsbury Doughboy's Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 73. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The grave-site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Tags:Philsbury,Obituary

Current Mood: Amused

Mirror World & Other Experimental Films

It is quite incredible to think that in 1895, the public of the Grand Cafe in Paris assisted, dumbfounded at the very first projection of the Lumiere brothers. Their reactions, from the most effusive admiration to the most genuine horror, foreboding an uncertain journey for the Celluloid industry, such as believed by the inventors themselves "wouldn't have any future" so sentenced.

Much water has passed under the bridge since then. Even today, there are still cinematographically defying work that arouse opposition, or fall into the oblivion without seeing the light of day. The experimental films, branded as critical or elite, are perhaps the most representative examples, put together at the margin of the producers and the current market.

However, beyond the limitation, this type of films has converted to ways of expression of the individuals and collectives, through visual and alternative resources and new possibilities of story telling. The biennial meeting Xperimenta'09 unites experts and professionals during 4 days, in the CCCB Debate Centre, to study and discuss all the present day aspects, ways and means on the subject. Directors, Spanish and foreign, will interchange impressions and ideas on possibilities of contemporary audiovisual projects, to pave the way for their production to reach a greater public.

The films presented for discussion were: 'Phantom fremdes wien', of the Austrian director Lisl Ponger, 'Instructions for a light and sound machine' of Peter Tscherkassky, 'This living thing' by the American Bruce McClure, and on the last day, 'Mirror World' by the American director Abigail Child. (photo below)

I am very much a fan of independent or experimental films. More often than not I am pleasantly entertained if not exactly surprised or ecstatically delighted.

Tags:experimental,mirror

Current Mood: Artistic

The Baptist Cowboy & The Flight Attendant

** The Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy who is visiting Wyoming from Nevada, walks into a bar and orders 3 mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finises them, he comes back to the bar and orders 3 more.

The bartender approaches and and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have 2 brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Nevada, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom. and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders 3 mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders 2 mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar the second round, he bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.' He took another sip.

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

** The Flight Attendant

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767 had been withdrawn from service. An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.'

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear. 'Do you have any idea who I am?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Gate number 14, who does not know who he is. If any of you can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F*** You.'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Tags:attendant,cowboy

Current Mood: Amused

Housewife Superspy

I think we all know and remember the the Boss lady M. (Judy Dench) in the James Bond film. But very few, maybe none of us know the name of the real veteran spy on whom Judy Dench's screen character was based. She is Stella Rimington, ex director of (MI5) the British Secret Service. A very elegant and intelligent lady, with great sense of humour, approachable, and her life story is definitely most interesting and fascinating. Retired at 73 years old, she was in Spain to promote her novel based on her own true life experiences.

For more than 20 years she had worked in divisions of the British National Espionage unit (Anti espionage, Anti subversion, and Anti terrorism), as general director of the intelligence services, being the 1st female in the history occupying such a position, permitted to access all secret information and world events first hand, and authority to act or intervene. With the MI5's later adapted more 'open' attitude, she told her amazing true life story in a novel through her alter ego, the secret agent Liz Carlyle.

Rimington's personal experience and her book assume greater degree of transparency and opens up the up to recently tightly closed doors of the MI5 secret services, although, all her chapters had been carefully reviewed and examined by the MI5, just in case she revealed something she shouldn't.

She started off as a typist, then in charge of filing important documents. In the old days, there's no offer of employment in such secret government offices. You didn't apply there for jobs; they would find you if they wanted you. Her husband was a diplomat and he was the only one that knew her identity as secret agent, not their 2 daughters. They were greatly surprised when they saw in the press that their mother was nominated general director of the MI5 and the press had called her 'Housewife SuperSpy'.

Tags:Superspy,MI5

Current Mood: Accomplished

The Laws Of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Tags:LawsOfLife

Current Mood: Awake

Wise & Worth Heeding ...

Most of the following were one-liners I posted occasionally on Multiply; the ones I can remember anyway. I wish to keep them close here as reminders.

** A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.

** A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

** A good man in an evil society seems the greatest villain of all.

** A guilty conscience needs no accuser.

** A half truth is a whole lie.

**A paragraph should be like a lady's skirt: long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting.

** Anyone who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is aiming ten inches too high.

** Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

** All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy; all play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.

** Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

** Curiosity killed the cat (and satisfaction brought it back).

** Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.

** Education is a progressive discovering of our own ignorance.

** Education makes machines which act like men and produces men who act like machines

** Falling down does not signify failure but staying there does.

** He who is good at excuses is seldom good at anything else.

** Helping Hands are better than Praying Lips

** If you're not part of the solution, you're likely part of the problem.

** Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

** Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

** Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

** Life is what passes you by when you are too busy making other plans.

** Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone whom you can't live without.

** Love is blind,… but marriage is the real eye-opener.

** Proverbs are long life experiences, told in one short sentence.

** Someone who gossips to you will gossip about you.

** The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

** Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

** Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble.

** You don't have to be different to be good. You have to be good to be different.

** You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

Tag:wiseoneliners

Current Mood: Awake

The Wedding Present & The Investment

** The Wedding Present

On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business. All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I can't even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo, “for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. "OK, what about joining the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea. How about you buying me out?”

** Investment Advice

Moshe was 88 years old and went to see his financial advisor.
“So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?” asked Moshe.
“Well,” replied the advisor, “I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years.”
“Are you nuts?” said Moshe, “A five year investment? Why, at my age, I don't even buy green bananas!”

 

Tags:wedding investment

Current Mood: Amused

John & Yoko's Bed-In For Peace

While tidying up old piles of papers & magazines - which I do rarely, always thinking I might wish to look at them again some day - I came upon the newspaper 'De Volkskrant' of Amsterdam published an interview with Yoko Ono, widow of Beatle John Lennon, during which she said that their legendary 'Bed in for peace' that has just completed 40 years, was all but a romantic interlude, more than a politic movement as most media & public thought.

That day on the 19th of March, 1969, Lennon and Ono were married in Gibraltar and, conscious of their media impact, they decided to spend their entire week of honeymoon in the presidential suite of the Hilton Hotel in Amsterdam, in front of the cameras and reporters, as a new and original way of campaigning for peace.

This initiative of the famous rocker from Liverpool and the Japanese artist were, from Thursday, be remembered in many celebration events, amongst these figured the exhibition titled 'Imagine - The art of John Lennon' that showd 190 sketches and drawings by the assassinated artist. "Perhaps we were a bit naive" so admitted Ono, referring to their peculiar honeymoon as a protest against the war in Vietnam. "We are still living in convulsive times. I am sure that from then till now, 99% of humanity are convinced that a war is not a solution."

The director of the hotel and the co-organiser of the commemorative events, Robert Payer, remarked that "John and Yoko's message of peace is as topical today as then." The hotel has put the same suite for the disposition of activists and fans of the mythical Liverpool band for one week, where the couple in pyjamas let themselves be immortalised by cameras and reporters.

Yoko Ono had not mentioned another significant fact, or supposition, that the wedding had been interpreted by many fans, including people within the music world, to be the end of the group, that the enigmatic Japanese artist was the culprit of the rivalry between Lennon and McCartney eventually reaching the point of no return, forcing the dissolution of the Fab Four.

John showing off the wedding certificate

Tags:Lennon,Yoko

Current Mood: Artistic

Who Needs Money?

Benjy had done very well in business. He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours. One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.

Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn't hesitate. “Yes, I can move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private beach?”
“Yes.”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager. “There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.” 

The following week, there was Benjy and Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Benjy looked all around him and said,

“Sadie, just look how beautiful everything is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”

Tag:whoneedsmoney

Current Mood: Amused

How To Start The Day Feeling Real Good

** Starting the day feeling really good:

* Open a new file on your computer.

* Entitle it "Housework."

* Place it in the Recycle Bin.

* Empty the Recycle Bin.

* Your computer will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

Answer "Yes" and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better. Don't you?

** Whose side are you on?

A British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London, when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ.

A sign beside the chap read, 'Victim of the Falklands War. '

'I say how disgraceful, he ' said the colonel, 'the way the country treats its veterans.' So saying, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the ex-soldier's hat.

The veteran looked up and said, 'Muchas gracias, señor.'

 

Tag:FeelingGood

Current Mood: Amused

Knowledge Test For People Who Know Everything

Trust me, this is a good test. So many of the questions are tantalising. You should be able to get at least five, but you have to be a genius to get 10/12. Question (2) is especially tricky.

12 Tests - (Answers supplied when you have completed)

(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (Biennials don't count.)

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defence, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

(9a) For English readers, What is the Vale referred to in Vale Park.

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Being designated a pinch-runner is one way. Name the other six.

(10a) For readers in cricket playing countries there are 10 ways of being out in Cricket. Hit the ball twice is one. Can you name the other 9.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six (or more) things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I could have been mean and said I'll tell you the answers tomorrow, but no, here they are: ~

1. Boxing. (Possibly Ice Skating)

2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Baseball.

5. Strawberry and cashew nut.

6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

8. Period (full stop), comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

9a. Port Vale Football club play at Vale Park.

10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being 'Walked' by the pitcher.

10a Cricket: Bowled, Stumped, LBW, Run Out, Caught, Hit ball twice, Hit wicket, Handled ball, Obstructing the fielder, and the one everyone forgets - Out of time.

11. Lettuce.

12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings.

Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?

Footnote: Actually, answer 11 is only true with the majority; Chinese cook it too, ever so lightly, then drip over some oyster sauce, delicious even without the sauce.

Tags:KnowledgeTest,Answers

Current Mood: Awake

Garden Of The Cherry Tree

It was the latest work of the great writer Anton Chejov, a real masterpiece. He was very ill when he wrote it, perhaps his most strange and abstract comedy. Like some of his previously stories, he centres on the lives of a group of people, not good ones nor bad, deep and complicated, shallow and ridiculous, each with his own reason. The title: 'The garden of the cherry trees'. It's been adapted to the theatre in Spain. For a couple of hours, the audience learned something of these character's yearnings, their egoism, indecision, blindness, misery and grandeur.There's a common factor: nobody listens, each seems lost in their own dreams. They don't know what they want, or don't want to know. Part of the action happened in what Chejov called; 'the room of the children', the old playroom of Lubov Andreievna and her brother Gaive. They have returned to the grand mansion of their infancy, now pursued by creditors. Lubov lives in a perpetual escape, to Paris, since the death of her little son, drown in the river. Gaive, with his tender and lunatic humour, also lives in his own fantasy world, plays billiard with neither table nor ball, like the ending in Blow Up. Then there is Lopajin, before a servant, now rather wealthy and eternal admirer of Ludov, is trying very hard to buy the garden of the cherry trees. The brother and sister wouldn't sell. They want everything to remain the same, but not capable of doing so. The room of the children is populated with short circuited desires, shaken by desperate frenzy and madness. They never stop moving about to go nowhere, joking with tears in their eyes, constantly organizing parties and games without real enthusiasm, They speak when they shouldn't, don't when they should; and all of them seem to love the wrong person. "Why do we do what we do?" is the basic question Chejov was asking. Of which Sam Mendes, at the front of the Bridge Project, a transatlantic company with English and American actors, has offered in the theatre here. With full house performance every night, thunderous applause, and considered by all critics unanimously as the best theatre production in recent years. Tags:garden,cherrytrees

Current Mood: Artistic

Ze English Is No Easy ...

Ze English is no easy! ( Translated English signs from around the world)

• Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN


• Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR


• Doctor’s office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES


• Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS


• Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER


• Athi River highway (main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi): TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE


• Kencom poster: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP


• Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES


• Tokyo hotel's regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED


• Swiss restaurant menu: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR


• Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS


• Yugoslavia hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID


• Japan hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID


• Lobby of Moscow hotel: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY


• Sign in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE


• Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE


• Rome laundry: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Some funny quotes

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
  [Eleanor Roosevelt]


• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
  [Jimmy Durante]


• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
  [Zsa Zsa Gabor]


• Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
  [Spike Milligan]

Tags:Fnnyuquotes,English

Current Mood: Amused

Silly Jokes Requested By Mari

** Reason for divorce
Hymie is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

** The birthday present
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."

** Business failure
Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. “You know Harry, I can’t understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas.”
“Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure,” replied Harry.
“But I can’t remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life,” said Benny.
“You’re correct there,“ said Harry, “but all my competitors did.”

** The present
As little Rivkah climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
Rivkah stared at him, open mouthed and horrified, then gasped, "Didn't you get my email?"

** What charge?
It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"But that's not an offence," said Judge Levy.
"It is if you do it before the shop opens," said the defendant.

** Money, money
Maurice and Sadie were having a heated discussion on family finances. Finally Maurice exploded,

"If it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
"Darling, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." Sadie replied

Tags:sillyjokes

Current Mood: Amused

Think Before You Leap

Cowboy's Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
 

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!”

Tags:snake,cowboy

Current Mood: Amused

If, Like Me, You Are A Chocolate Addict ...

All You Need To Know About Eating Chocolate:

§ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

§ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, which is good for you, so eat as many as you want.

§ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

§ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

§ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

§ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

§ Money talks. Chocolate sings.

§ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

§ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

§ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

§ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

§ Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocolates Anonymous?
§ A: Because no one wants to quit.

Tags:choc-addict

Current Mood: Cheerful

Money, Money, Money

As a mere observer who knows little on the topic, I find that the present economic crisis affect some people's head, not their pockets. Then there are those whose pockets are definitely affected, but not their heads. They still keep their cool and goes about their daily life cheerfully and complaining less. One simple fact might just be that they have less to lose. When one of the first group happens to share a few drinks or a meal with one from the second group, almost always it's the one with less in the wallet that pays the bill, or at least seems more willing to.

This can be deduced to mean that the poor is thus more indebted, contributing to the rising of indices of tardiness, while those who could make the congested money circular choose to put their money in the deposit accounts, or hidden under the bed, collaborating the worsening of catarrh or the constipated economy, of which we are all victims. Not that I understand much about how economy works, but it's simple to see some of it's complexity; when money stays put, it stays put, however much laxative one applies.

In terms of the society, if the crisis is of the right party, the left must pay for the damage, if it's provoked by the capital, the working class has to suffer the consequences; if the crisis is induced by the bad, the good has to carry it forward. Is that why I see a strange sign, huge and in brilliant red, put out by the Town Hall of Barcelona, on the middle of a busy shopping area, on which it simply say:

' Go ahead, buy something! '

Tags:crisis,money

Current Mood: Awake

Not That Size Matters

There's something mysterious about dogs. It's not normal, from the point of view of the rest of animals that, within the same species exists such huge variation in their size. They are mammals with the biggest difference of stature, and the fact that such a great variety of them cohabit, from the smallest like Chihuahua to the biggest as Saint Bernard, has always fascinated the scientists. In human version, a Chihuahua would be like a human adult of half a metre in height, while a Saint Bernard would be one and a quarter metre.

A group of American scientists seemed to have found the key factor to explain such diversity in size of dogs. According to an old magazine I found, 'Science', it published that all the dogs of small breed, shared a part of the mutation of their DNA, situated in the chromosome 15, on the regulated sequence it's on the side of IGFI (whatever that is I haven't a clue), which produces the kind of hormone of growth in dogs, as well as in rats or humans. What the regulated sequence does is diminish the effect of the gene IGFI, in the way that those dogs that have the mutation would have their growth limited. It works like the bandage put on women's feet in ancient China, impeding the normal growth of the extremities.

The big dogs also have the gene IGFI, but in their case, there's no mutation, so the hormone of growth acts normally. Some other genes not yet identified are also implicated in large breed of dogs.

The participating scientists in this study, led by the University of Utah, had analysed the DNA of more than 3,000 dogs of 143 breeds. At that time, they had not identified the exact mutation in the regulating sequence of the DNA which reduces the effect of the gene IGFI, but they had found small pieces of genetic material to serve as model, to locate causes of diseases like diabetes, cancer or arthritis. They said future investigation would centre on identification of genes related to the dog's behaviour and diseases.

That magazine is 6 years old. I guess by now they have learned a lot more. I hope nobody tries to interfere and change their vastly different sizes, whatever else they do. Variety and differences in animals, as well as in human, make the world far more interesting.

Yeap, the little one too is a dog!

Tags:Chihuahua,SaintBernard

Current Mood: Chipper

Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

You can keep one gun at home and have another for  when you're on the road.

If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Guns function normally every day of the month.

A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger."
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Tags:women,guns

Current Mood: Amused

Wisdom & Wisecracks

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he's crossing

a one-way street. Or, he could be a well-informed optimist.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?

He was already dead!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An English teacher wrote these words on the blackboard:

"woman without her man is nothing".

He then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mark called in to see his Scottish friend Angus, to find he was stripping

the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked:

"You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied

"No. I'm moving house."

Tags:optimist,pessimist

Current Mood: Amused

PrideBook - A Class Apart

It is the name of a social site, created by a Canadian consultant, specifically for the gays - homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals. Pridebook.com has less than 2,000 registered users of more than 80 countries; this to me seems a very small number from that many countries. It also makes me wonder once again, something I have been wondering for a long time.

In Yahoo's 360 merely a few month before they closed up, I almost immediately noticed that there were many self defined lesbians, often with the popular phrase 'proud to be' or other proclamation to that effect, attached to their self introduction. Yet I have never come across any gay men there, not a single one so self proclaimed that I know of, nor in Multiply.

I am quite curious. Are there none in any social site? Or they are sufficiently confident and self assured, as they should be, that the condition of their sexuality is not an issue at all in any aspect or field, socially or professionally, that should mark them as different, or a class apart. Another curious thing is many of them, when open about their sexual orientation, often add 'I am proud to be', it's to me like I am proud to have 2 arms & 2 legs. Being gay is not an achievement, simply that's how they are.

Another far greater curiosity of mine is: why the gay community, on the whole, tries so hard to mark special territory for themselves, creating sub communities of all sorts, exclusively for people with their same sexual orientation only. In many countries nowadays, most people have learned to live in harmony with others, whatever their colour, culture, religion, background ... whether they are gay or not. People are just people. All are equal in their social and personal rights.

What is classified as the majority, the heterosexuals, never make special claim or see the need to announce their sexual preference, why do the gay people feel they need to and often do? It gives the impression that they are building walls round themselves, rather than being excluded by the society or prejudice.

Back to Pridebook. It's a free site. It doesn't permit pornography or any sexual explicit photos or total nudity. As there are countries with century long prejudice where homosexuality is still considered a crime. False names and substituted ID photos are permitted.

Tags:pridebook.com

The Magic Bike

Magician and illusionist Peter Marveybest performs Le velo “The Bike” on the World Greatest Cabaret hosted by Patrick Sebastien. I wasn’t really impressed with this illusion until his legs started riding the bicycle by themselves as that definitely got my attention. Glad to see him get himself together and finish the entertaining act in grand style.

Current Mood: Amused

Marvellously Mature & Delightfully Young

** You are marvellously mature when:

• You and your teeth don't sleep together.


• You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.


• At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.


• Your back goes out but you stay home.


• When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.


• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the terrace.


• When happy hour is a nap.


• When you're on holiday and your energy runs out before your money does.


• When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.


• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.


• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.


• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.


• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.


• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.


• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.


• Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.


• The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.


• It takes twice as long - to look half as good.


• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.


• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.


• You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.


• You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.


• You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.


• You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.


• You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

** You are delightfully young when:

You are happy to enjoy a 'Mexican Kiss' during the flu alert period, and the French Kiss later.

Tags:delightfully,marvelously

Current Mood: Amused