Wednesday, 30 November 2011

30th Nov 2011 Lateral Thinking: Fun Puzzles & Tests

Nov 30A

The rather interesting puzzles & Tests below would be solved with logical solutions at the end. But do try to solve them yourself first, bearing in mind that you should exercise vigorously your mind and imagination.


1) Anthony and Cleopatra 

 


Anthony and Cleopatra are lying dead on the floor of a villa in Egypt. Nearby is a broken bowl. There is no mark on either of their bodies and they were not poisoned. How did they die?


Solution:


Anthony and Cleopatra were goldfish whose bowl was knocked over by a clumsy dog. 


This is one of a set of puzzles which deceive by using human names for animals. This is not a very satisfactory basis for a good puzzle but despite that, the puzzle has enduring popularity


2) The Coal, Carrot and Scarf

 


Five pieces of coal, a carrot and a scarf are lying on the lawn. Nobody put them on the lawn but there is a perfectly logical reason why they should be there. What is it? 


Solution:


They were used by children who made a snowman. The snow has now melted. Another change of state puzzle. After this you should be on the look-out for them!


3) Trouble with Sons

 


A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins, and they were not adopted. How could this be so? 


Solution:


They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.)

This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available? 


4) Push that Car

 


A man pushed his car. He stopped when he reached a hotel at which point he knew he was bankrupt. Why? 


Solution:


Monopoly


I will post part 2, 3 & 4 later or in the following days for those of you, like me, who enjoys mental stimulation and exercise. 

Prev: 30th Nov 2011 Wisdom Or Sarcasm; As You Take It

30th Nov 2011 Wisdom Or Sarcasm; As You Take It

Nov 30
** If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
** Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
** Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
** Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
** On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
** Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
** If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it. - Hungarian proverb
** If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
** You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
** Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Prev: 29th Nov 2011 Rhino In The Sky

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

29th Nov 2011 Rhino In The Sky

Nov 29A
Legs tied together, sedated and with blindfold, in case it wakes up during the 'flight', a rhino is thus transported by a helicopter, with a cable, for the journey of half an hour. The images were captured last week in South Africa, where 25 of these animals, species classified as under danger of extinction, are being moved the same way by the military helicopters, to the safe place where they will be protected from heartless furtive hunters.





RhinoInTheSky
Now you can say you have seen rhinos in the sky!


Prev: 29th Nov 2011 The Wonder Of Nature - Wave & Cauliflower

29th Nov 2011 The Wonder Of Nature - Wave & Cauliflower

Nov 29
Gigantic Waves ~
I have been to Hawaii a couple of times, and never stopped being utterly amazed and mesmerized by how huge and powerful the waves there could be. Sometimes they shot up so very high that they seemed to be literally touching the sky, as you just couldn't see the end of the high points at all. But this photo, the most gigantic ever recorded, shows clearly, with the surfer captured (within the red circle) magnifying, or defining the proportion of a person and the waves.

It's really more than a sport; the strength, the courage, and the feeling of how small and insignificant a human is against nature, kept my eyes glue to the spectacle in awe, and my heart humble.BigWave

Ocean Cauliflower ~
Nature also, very often, shows appearances that are not quite what they seem. The image below has what looks like plants, perhaps more like the vegetable cauliflower, which are in fact exotic species of soft coral, discovered by deep sea divers of the Scubasings Foundation, of the Harlem Islands, in New Guinea. The polyps are really 'animals' generally known as coral that live grouped together to form extensive colonies with appearance of plants, have 'trunks' thick and semi-translucent, and 'branches' on top like trees. Some even reach the height of half a metre.
These are in fact carnivorous animals that use their tentacles to capture the zooplankton (microscopic aquatic animals) that suspended in the water. Billions of them through millions of generations, have been living, constructing and continuing that the structure exceeds the architecture of any other living species, including man.
CauliflowerCoral Prev: 28th Nov 2011 An Unusual Sequence Of Hilarious Small Ads.

Monday, 28 November 2011

28th Nov 2011 An Unusual Sequence Of Hilarious Small Ads.

Photobucket
Mon. For Sale: - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 565-0747 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him cheap. 

Tues. NOTICE - We regret having erred in W.A. Harris's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him after 7 p.m. 

Wed. NOTICE - W.A. Harris has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who loves with him.

Thurs. NOTICE - I, W.A. Harris, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 565-0747, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. O'Hara. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

Prev: 28th Nov 2011 The Biggest, The Tallest, The Newest & The Oldest

28th Nov 2011 The Biggest, The Tallest, The Newest & The Oldest

Nov 28B
The Tokyo Sky Tower Of Japan ~
The biggest communication centre in the world, just recorded in the Guinness Book of Records, the Tokyo Sky Tree Tower, of 634 metres high, and a very spectacular structure, that houses the Japanese capital television. It has 2 observatories, 350 metre one and 450 the other, forming part of the complex with a train station, a commercial centre with 300 shops, an aquarium, multi-cinemas, and 31 apartment floors. In futuristic style, the tower will be officially inaugurated in 2012, and it's estimated to receive in the first year 5 million visitors.
The Giant Of Stratosphere ~
Almost reaching the sky too were 3 naturalists (circled in red on the tree), all achieving reaching to the very top of the biggest collage of hundreds and thousands of photographs, showing in the centre the biggest Redwood tree in the world, known as 'The Giant Of Stratosphere', that measures 112,8 metres, it's age is calculated as between 2 to 3 thousand years, the longest in the planet, situated in the National Redwood Park, in the United States.
TokyoSkyTree
Prev: 28th Nov 2011 Funnies From Small Ads. Column

28th Nov 2011 Funnies From Small Ads. Column

Nov 28A
  • Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
  • Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
  • A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
  • Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.
  • Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
  • Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
  • Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
  • For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
  • For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
  • Great Dames for sale.
  • Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
  • For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  • Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
  • If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
  • Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
  • Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Prev: 28th Nov 2011 Letter By Bob, The Very Considerate Husband

28th Nov 2011 Letter By Bob, The Very Considerate Husband

Nov 28
Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took 'early retirement', it became necessary for Nadine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell; instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. 

Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.
 Short Story
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nadine is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nadine on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed Bob.

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 25th
Nadine was acquitted Monday, April 27th.

Prev: 27th Nov 2011 Observations & Funny Thoughts About Women
Next: 28th Nov 2011 Funnies From Small Ads. Column

Sunday, 27 November 2011

27th Nov 2011 Observations & Funny Thoughts About Women

Nov 27C
  1. What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing. But some would say Naughty woman.
  2. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  3. A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
  4. Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
  5. Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
  6. If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
  7. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
  8. I like my whisky old and my women young.
  9. Most women are not always as young as they are painted.
  10. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
Prev: 27th Nov 2011 What A Naughty Woman Should Know (for Greger)

27th Nov 2011 What A Naughty Woman Should Know

Nov 27B
  1. Aspire to be Barbie - That girl has everything.
  2. If the shoe fits - Buy them in every colour.
  3. Take life with a pinch of salt - A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
  4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls.
  5. Go on the 30 day diet.- I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days.
  6. When life gets you down - Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
  7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
  8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's OK. - They know me here.
  9. Lead me not into temptation. - I can find it myself.
  10. Don't get your knickers in a knot. - It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
  11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - Turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
  12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man - There is probably some woman tired of his behaviour.
  13. Keep your chin up: Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
  14. If it has Tyres or Testicles - it's going to give you trouble.
  15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right: She has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
Prev: 27th Nov 2011 What A Woman Should Know And Should Have

27th Nov 2011 What A Woman Should Know & Should Have

Nov 27A

A Woman Should Have ...
** Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to ...

** Something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

** A youth she's content to leave behind ...
** A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age ...
** A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra ...
** One friend who always makes her laugh ... and one who lets her cry ...
** A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family ...
** Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honoured ...
** A feeling of control over her destiny.

How to fall in love without losing herself.

A Woman Should Know ...

** How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship ...

** When to try harder ... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

** That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

** That her childhood may not have been perfect ... but its over ...

** What she would and wouldn't do for love or more ...
** How to live alone ... even if she doesn't like it ...
** Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally ...
** Where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods; when her soul needs soothing ...
** What she can and can't accomplish in a day ... a month ... or a year...
Prev: 27th Nov 2011 The ATM Drive-Through Machine

27th Nov 2011 The ATM Drive-Through Machine

Nov 27
The ATM Drive-Through ~
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Procedure for Men ~

  1. Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).
  2. Wind down your car window.
  3. Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Wind-up window.
  7. Drive off. 
  8.  

Procedure for Women ~

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.
  4. Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car. Insert debit card.
  6. Re-insert card the right way.
  7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.
  8. Enter PIN.
  9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  10. Enter amount of cash required.
  11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
  12. Retrieve notes and receipt
  13. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
  14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
  15. Re-check makeup.
  16. Drive forward 2 feet.
  17. Reverse back to cash machine.
  18. Retrieve card.
  19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
  21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  22. Redial person on cell phone.
  23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  24. Release Parking Brake.
Prev: 26th Nov 2011 A Woman's Poem

Saturday, 26 November 2011

26th Nov 2011 A Woman's Poem

Nov 26B
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make. 


I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one 
 

Like his mother used to do. 

Prev: 26th Nov 2011 The Eternal Man / Woman Issue

26th Nov 2011 The Eternal Man / Woman Issue

Nov 26A
  • At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
  • My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
  • A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.
  • 'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.'
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
  • Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  • A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
  • My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Prev: 26th Nov 2011 Patient, Doctor, Specialist

26th Nov 2011 Patient, Doctor,Specialist

Nov 26
The Specialist ~
'What kind of work do you do?' A woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.'
'I am a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days!'
 
Keep Taking the Medicine ~
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'


Quick Diagnosis ~
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?' 

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Prev: 25th Nov 2011 Medical Professionals ...

Friday, 25 November 2011

25th Nov 2011 Medical Professionals

Nov 25B

A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital. This was what they said:

  • The Allergists voted to scratch it.
  • The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
  • The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.
  • The Radiologists could see right through it.
  • The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it.
  • The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
  • The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
  • The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
  • The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body."
  • The Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"
  • The Plastic Surgeon said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
  • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
  • The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
  • The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
  • The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
  • The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
  • The Proctologists thought that all the others were assholes!

    Prev: 25th Nov 2011 Doctor, Doctor ...

    25th Nov 2011 Doctor, Doctor ...

    Nov 25A

    ** Pain everywhere ~
    Patient: 'Doctor, Doctor: when I press my leg it hurts. Then when I press my chest it hurts, when I press my head it hurts, and when I press my stomach it hurts. I'm worried doc, what's wrong with me?'

    Doctor: 'Easy & straightforward, you have a sore finger!'

    ** Deaf wife ~
    Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

    'Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.'

    'Well, 'the doctor replied, 'Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness'.

    Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, 'Betty, what's for dinner?'

    Betty says, 'This is the fourth time I told you. It's meatloaf!'

    ** Long and Short of the Problem ~
    Adam, an elderly man was seated in the doctor's waiting room. When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room.

    After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'

    Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
    Prev: 25th Nov 2011 One-Liners from Real Résumés

    25th Nov 2011 One-Liners from REAL résumés

    Nov 25
    These are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters, and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:


    • "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
    • "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms."
    • "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
    • "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
    • "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
    • "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
    • "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
    • "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
    • "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
    • "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
    • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
    • "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
    • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
    • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."
    • "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
    • "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."


    Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, The Husband

    Thursday, 24 November 2011

    24th Nov 2011 Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, The Husband

    Nov 24D
    The Husband ~

    A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. 

    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. 

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' 

    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.' 

    Elementary Dear Watson ~


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

    'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
    Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
    'What does that tell you?'
    Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

    Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.' 

    Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Who Reads Newspapers? An Interesting Alternative View

    24th Nov 2011 Who Reads Newspapers? An Interesting Alternative View

    Nov 24C
    • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
    • The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
    • The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
    • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
    • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
    • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
    • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
    • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
    • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
    • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
    • The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

    Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Observations - Funny, Witty, Might Even Be True

    24th Nov 2011 Observations - Funny, Witty, Might Even Be True

    Nov 24B
    1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. 
    2. If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison.
      It went a lot faster with two people digging. 
    3. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 
    4. In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. 
    5. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. 
    6. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. 
    7. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
    8. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. 
    9. He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave. 
    10. This guy is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

    Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Kings & Commoners

    24th Nov 2011 Kings & Commoners

    Nov 24A
    By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph) ~

    Some years ago an American tourist, 'doing' Europe, remarked to a fellow traveller on a bus in Stockholm, "You know, buddy, America is the most democratic country in the world. Ordinary citizens can go to the White House to see the President and discuss things with him".

    The man replied, "That’s nothing. In Sweden, the King and the people travel on the same bus". The American laughed scornfully at this ludicrous claim. It was not until the Swede reached his destination and alighted from the bus that another traveller leaned over to enquire,


    "Did you enjoy sharing your seat with King Gustav Adolph VI?"

    By MoiMoii in Spain, today, now ~

    I know King Carlos of Spain and Queen Sofia, often walk in the streets in very casual clothing, or shopping in some ordinary shops, with no bodyguards escorting or hiding anywhere. Naturally they are also often stopped by the public and some would approach them wishing to shake hands or speak with the royalty. The King would smile, extend his hand and chat with them briefly. He is so loved and respected by all his subjects, he knows he doesn't need bodyguards.

    Prev: 24th Nov 2011 The Library That Lends Out People

    24th Nov 2011 The Library That Lends Out People

    Nov 24
    The library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf - by David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)



    A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to "lend out" living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, Gipsies and the physically handicapped.
     



    The volunteers will be 'borrowed' by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library's director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media. Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalised members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.




    "It has raised a lot of interest, great number of people have already called with questions like: 'Do I need a library card?" said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added. "Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café."
     


    Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: "I've got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I've got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman in real poverty who has been living on social security benefits for many years". Mr Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland's small Roma Gipsy community after a recent attack on two Gipsy families in the city of Enschede.




    Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.
     


    "Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything," he said. "And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee."




    Prev: 23rd Nov 2011 Men And Babies